Nonviolent communication

Nonviolent communication: resolving conflicts and strengthening relationships

Based on the book Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg
Marion Müller, 30.08.2023

Are you always frustrated due to misunderstandings or conflicts in your partnership, at work or in your circle of friends? In my opinion, one of the most important skills in life is the ability to communicate effectively and empathetically with others. Nonviolent Communication (CSF) is a powerful method that enables us to resolve conflicts and deepen relationships. Developed by Marshall Rosenberg, it is based on four components: observation, feeling, need, and request. The GFK promotes understanding and empathy as we recognize and respect our own needs and learn to understand the needs of others. This can be applied in various contexts, whether in personal relationships, in a work environment, or in raising children.
In this blog post, we will understand the basics of CSF and how to deal with challenges.

prerequisites
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Before we go into the four key steps of the CSF, it is important to develop a certain basic attitude and prepare yourself for a discussion. The following steps will help you do this:

self-empathy: Before you communicate with others, take time for self-reflection. Recognize your own feelings and needs to be in a healthy shape. You can do this by writing down your thoughts and feelings and thinking about the needs behind them. Another option is to talk to yourself. There, it is sometimes helpful to introduce yourself to someone and explain to them what you are thinking. With both variants, you practice understanding your own thoughts and feelings and you may recognize their origin. Some examples of needs that can lie behind a feeling: autonomy, commitment, integrity, play, spiritual connection.

Active listening:
Listen carefully to the conversation without interrupting. Pay attention to verbal and non-verbal signals to better understand your interlocutor's emotions. Be curious about what the other person is thinking and feeling and ask if you don't understand something.

Avoid recriminations:
Focus on clear observations, feelings, and needs instead of assigning blame or criticizing. Criticism often triggers a protective reflex in the other person and he or she may withdraw (flight) or begin to defend himself (fight).

First-person messages:
Use “I” statements to express your own feelings and needs. For example: “I feel... because I need to...”

Clarity and concreteness:
Make requests and inquiries clear and concise. Avoid vague language to minimize misunderstandings.

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The four steps of nonviolent communication
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I can either use the four components of the CSF myself in my language (or non-verbally) when I have a concern, or I can try to absorb and explore them from my counterpart. This type of communication will probably be difficult for you at first. Practicing them is a process, give yourself time to do it.
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Observation: Start with a neutral description of the situation, without judgments or interpretations. Creating a common basis for the conversation is crucial. It is best to refer to a specific situation and a specific time. Try to avoid generalizations such as “never” or “always,” especially if they're an exaggeration. So consciously separate your observation from the evaluation. For example, if someone drops an appointment with you, avoid allegations such as “You're unreliable.” First, simply refer to the facts: “You canceled the meeting yesterday.”

Feeling: Identify your own feelings about this situation. These emotions are the starting point for open and honest communication. Expressing emotions takes courage and makes us vulnerable, but it also enables us to connect. It's best to explain why you feel that way. Make sure that you actually name your feelings and not your thoughts about a situation. Examples that don't express your feelings include, “I feel like you should know better,” or “I feel like I'm always there.”

A positive example would be: “I feel disappointed because I was looking forward to the meeting.”
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Need: Identify your needs and wishes. What are the basic aspects that are important to you and contribute to your well-being? It is important to recognize that although the words or actions of others can trigger a feeling in us, they are never the cause of the feelings. Our interpretation of what is said or done determines our feelings and we are therefore also responsible for them. There are four different ways of reacting to a statement such as “you are so selfish”: blaming yourself (“I should have been more considerate”), blaming others (“How can you call me selfish, I always try to be considerate”), aware of our own feelings and needs (“I feel hurt because of this statement because I want my efforts to be recognized”) or perceive the other person's feelings and needs (“Are you hurt because you have a bigger Would you like interest on my part?”). It takes practice to recognize your needs. Be curious!

Example: “I was disappointed that our meeting didn't take place because I was looking forward to it and I feel the need to talk to you.”
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Request: Make a clear request that aims at specific actions. This shows the interlocutor what you need to achieve a positive change. Focus on what you want and not on what you want not Wish. Example: “Can you please let me know earlier next time and can we move the meeting to another day?” You can also ask your counterpart to repeat your request. This is how you clear up misunderstandings. (You're not questioning their absorption capacity, but want to make sure that you've expressed yourself clearly.) You can also explain to him or her why you're asking for it.

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‍Dealing with difficult situations
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‍Such conversations can trigger various reactions in the other person. I would like to stress that your well-being should be your priority and that your counterpart is generally responsible for his/her own emotions, just as you are. It may be that there is an emotional response or that your concern is met with little understanding, especially when it comes to an important and emotional topic. Here are a few examples of how you can deal with such difficult reactions.

Resistance and Rejection:
Try to respond sensitively to the resistance. Ask about the feelings and needs of your counterpart in order to find a joint solution. You usually create a basis in such a way that your counterpart also opens up to your concerns. Make sure that your original concern still gets its place.

‍Aggressive responses:
Stay calm when confronted with aggression and try not to take the aggression personally. Try to identify and recognize underlying needs. If you notice that the other person or both of you are becoming too emotionally charged, you can interrupt the conversation and use emotion regulation strategies (see blog post about this). Continue the conversation when you're both in a calmer state. Should your counterpart become violent or engage in abusive behavior, it should be your priority to protect yourself. In such cases, you can also contact a specialist department (link).

‍misunderstandings:
Sometimes a statement goes down the wrong throat. First, clarify what the statement was meant by asking questions and repeating it and make sure that your counterpart also understands what you're talking about. Prioritize clarity and understanding to create a solid basis for communication. Ask about observations, feelings, needs, and requests to get the full picture.

‍Lack of empathy:
If empathy is lacking, encourage your counterpart to use the principles of CSF to better understand and connect.

The CSF requires practice and patience, particularly in challenging situations. The focus is on connection, mutual understanding and joint solutions. By constantly applying and incorporating the above tips and strategies into the communication process, you can create an atmosphere in which open and non-violent communication flourishes when your counterpart also engages in it.

This blog post was written using ChatGPT.

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Rosenberg, M.B. (2016).Nonviolent communication (3rd ed.). Junfermann Verlag. http://www.content-select.com/index.php?id=bib_view&ean=9783955716103